A Return to Posting

So today I posted my first YouTube video in god knows how long and I'm not afraid to admit that I was indeed afraid to post and have been beyond glued to my phone in ways that I haven't been since my social media sabbatical.

I don't want to fail.

I'm purposely working hard now to make these things work for me and I'm scared of failing.

This kinda seems like my last shot at all of this being that I'm 31 and am at my limit of trials.

What do I want? What will make me feel like I've succeeded? What am I willing to do to get there?

I ask myself...

I want to help others. Inspire them. I want to make a living so that I can depend upon myself and no one else. I want to spark happiness, joy, inspiration, a community.

I don't know what it will take for me to feel successful aside from that livable wage... Maybe I get asked to speak on something I'm passionate about on a panel, like glamour, inequality for women and disabled folks, or about my experiences as a deaf woman. It would be impactful to know that my story and message has reached others outside of my mind, you know, the voices I talk to when I look in the mirror.

I'm willing to work hard. Be vulnerable. Try new things. Forfeit artistry for storytelling, showing, and education. I'm willing to put in hours. I'm not too keen on dancing to trending bops, but to be fair, I can't hear or understand half of them anyway so I'll chalk that up to me living La vida deaf.

I don't know...

I'm scared people will think I'm trying too hard just to fail. That people will be like "who does she think she is?" or "why is she doing that?" and it makes me sad to know I have fears like that, but also this is real and what's on my mind.

People are always going to think what they think and as someone who can't mind-read, it's not really my business what they think of me. I do firmly believe that. But believing and knowing that and living in that are two different things.

This is an act of vulnerability. It is an act of public speaking.

Putting yourself out there on the world stage and hoping that anyone hears your story is scary, but ultimately that's what I want, right? So I can't shy away from doing just that.

I have to keep going...

Being embarrassed...

Being vulnerable...

Failing publicly...

Until I give up.

And I'm not ready to give up yet.